I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
