I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
