i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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