Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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