I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
