i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
