Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
