puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
