I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
