Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
