I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
