Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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