I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
