I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
