You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
