Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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