I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
