my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
