Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Sorry about my life...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
