she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
