you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
