Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
