Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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