If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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