Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
