Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Randomize
