she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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