does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
