If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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