I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize