So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize