Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
