I should be sponsored by Trojan
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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