I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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