Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
