I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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