my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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