I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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