i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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