I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
