when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
