So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
