Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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