I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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