glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
