grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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