I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
