I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
