ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
