Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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