you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
