lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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