that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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