When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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