i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
