Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
