my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Randomize
