I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just want nice things and good sex
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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