are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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